Blindspots

once known a perfect man
permanent and suave, a statue
of determination and compassion
no stones unraveled, hands built houses
wiped off children tears and consoled all
snuggled words, coy and uplifting
to find his secret was shattering
 the impact on which I have yet to recover
fully understood, digested akin to his thrown
the cracks in his tempered armor akin to rapture
the ages themselves froze my anguish
what to do? shivers and general state of panic

the blinds are down, the light dim
the sunlight is exhausting and deepening
in the measure of feeding sadness
creeps through me eating away
at the cage bars relentless, starving
eager to shake off the sores of stillness
to hold that thought entirely
suspend the breakdown and regain control
intervene anew, positive that completion is key
whatever caused it, I'll outlive it stronger

however bitter, raw and crude
disfigured and scarred
sweeter whispers within the closet
clawed by demons that chose to hide inside

one should not be foiled by digital disregard
nor the starry nights caused by fireworks
or the blabber of spitfire words
anent my heart, stand by the knockdown
hitting the deck is a gift
the blind-spots of picking up deep
solace in friends and whatever rings true
a thunderstorm under my skin
ragged by words in turmoil
so the music will have to do
the promise will have to hold
my better side will have to shine through.

wish the big bad wolf had eaten me whole.

"Stay, don't go,

I'll eat you up, I love you so."

Beneath the chambers of my deposed home

where dementia has sicken back a notch

the nauseating feeling the accursed sky has turned bright yellow below the Moon

on a season past the capacity to build, this cracked hands worked 'till dusk son

or so he told me so, whipping me forward, instilling drive but never love

this and other references pierce me in vain, detached and barren

much akin to my bone structure, the stubbornness alone contorts my hair curls so

'bitten your tongue wasting time

apprehensive 'cos your heart is under duress

the call of the womb keeps the beat on lock down

ain't the devil scratching your glass window? oh nonono

you lose.

the grove by your side, awaiting at the finish line, danger oh nono

a soldier can obfuscate the paranoia, the batshit crazy vibrations

bombs take lives like oil got any worth, get the press here somehow

prayers for the dearest, the bold and those wanted by silver bullets

in my dreams I can kill You, you're the one leaping, escaping,

calling me.

abduct my guiding light and spoon feed me please

I feel it coming now, pushing inside outside

cement to my resolve, a blend of tratata sooo soft

I do not possess ticks, I copycat those that rescue my attention

terribly to the unfortunate shiver I ought to try until...

until, just until I get it.'

Today I felt a chill

stroke gold and traveled in-between

the locks of mere child and youth laughter

felt hopeful and willing to sacrifice and take upon

parenthood, to change and become better

despite the sadness, the disappointment

the urgency to twist her arm

drag her over the finishing line

take upon her hurt and eat her whole

unfathomable arrogance, a disgrace

to deny ones struggles is to despair

in reluctant impatience and in vain

I'll be knocking (not down) doors

awaiting my turn, hand raised high

awaiting my turn, wishing Time itself collapsed

to trap the electricity that jolt us bind, rope and cage

for everyone at a given time told me to go

and all I wanted to, running nose twisted over my shoulder

was to feel loved as an equal and hear them say:

"Stay, don't go,

I'll eat you up, I love you so."

the reliable source opens the airways.

whose stranger captured your heart so
opened the cavity forcefully, took it away from me
even exposed to the sun I feel a chill, growing remorse
I don't seem to know who I am to you anymore,
beaten off my system, cough choke implode sunshine
Melodies ajar on my eardrums string my guilt
executioner and jury alone judging myself, I am guilty (indeed)

Rubbed my restrictive shoes in pale laces to be hidden, guilty.
Neurotic and confused, a stark realization many a feet above, somewhere
off where the breeze caresses my naked back and the mind leaps
from wonder to beauty back to the streets where we dreamt of flying all the same
realize that I too could let go and hang by a sturdy thread, sewing my arm
Sawing it off whilst sleep talking out of this lullaby, sew it back darling, rapidly
in fear you might condemn by prejudice what will transpire, do not follow
do not comply, take your meds and look the other way.

underline what is missing,
IT HAS! been days in succession, a collective arms race
to be felt, better, in my opinion, used as subtle ammunition
against my psyche notwithstanding, which one tends to dislike
being under assault, siege, attack! stab-stab-stab
alas, I wake up.

Did I ever get to know you
or was the momentum one of opened window
sea bound, stars aligned and all.
spread wings and farewell to this ol' strange me
ad along these pieces I fall sinking under alarm
one in a million someone said,
owned to the clutch of sleep stalking.