felicidade tem fim (malice is a disgusting disease, insidious and delicious in equal tones of grey)

 craving for words we could not speak

dissipated at the shallow deepth, the margin

fogged amid the lonely island of togetherness long promised

darkness before the light sweet stars as we shut-eye for the night

all we step in makes for a poorer story, a torn bad decision

sister of mine we have come full circle,

know this, what we can control does not lead, often, to paradise

or so I was told and this very words we exchanged, once

now it appears as the white of your eyes travels upwards to the stars

and self-destruction leads you back to a cage you cannot escape

what comes after this does not belong to my hands

for I took no part in the making of the dry well you sank into

and I hear no call for help

I coast in silence, a bad habit to have all in all if truth be told I got little love to lose.

 ________________________________________________________________________________

 the curtains run a mockery

trips, slices and pieces amok

a fool stench resolute and harm

so much pain,

some scars dig too deep to feel

control alt-delete this echo on repeat

a child laughter haunts my nightmares,

what little else have I left to give

justify how to even out the score

for my tongue is shut and pretrified

but my hands adrift flip pages of diaries better left shut

turmoil and silence do not mix, nothing good lasts forever

tell me, is this true?

did I lose the power to feel, I am not surprised or caring

the uncertaintly that a crime was committed

something amiss, a link, a gear in the device

it was another, mention, in passing that agitates my mind

not flesh but touch

not equal but unfinished, unresolved

it was not the wrist that the dagger penetrates but my very heart

a betrayal of sorts, miles away

happy, I hope

so may the scales point because I forgot if I ever said goodbye and it doesn't seem to get any easier

God you dotted the contract now I beg you help me see it through

for my resolve wanders

my prayers heavy despite the sacrifice

the cost too overbearing to let go

of this one thing I remain

better kept unspoken

shown to burn well at both ends

for my very sake.

________________________________________________________________________

if I peek within will I like what I see?

I am okay never figuring it out,

mixing poison in a cup, pinky coasting

atop, sank drinking deep, a tempting offer

one better left well damm alone,

nuts and bolts, ghosts and apparitions

they tag me in, chained to the bed

fermenting with vomit and other spoils of a night wasted

clean up your looks dearest, upwards with your chin son

before I deslocate shoulder from bone, do the math

rip your shirt and aspirations in one great swing 'till all you love is bleeding something awful

then let us see you fit in:

hell yeah I was scared

swallowing slowly to the beat

of the march sinking my core

actions cannot be undone

swimming towards the grave just as me sister

now YOU decide what is it gonna be

this is the end of selfishness 

discard the secrets trapped in the drawer

come clean, see it through and grasp with firm hands

what you really want, whisper it first for I can only imagine the fear you carry

save apologies for mother in due time, for now we still have work to do

a beatiful dream taking shape, one day at the time.

______________________________________________________________________

I want somebody to kill the lonely nights

to hell with sympathy, few inbetween cough breaches off me

a receiver of bad news, a nod and shake

sound advise as long as it doesn't drip my sunday coat

bitch you get what you deserve, don't you know

what goes around comes back around?

love dissipates in the ether of a hallow soul

wrap not your arms around me for a rooting corpse comes undone

under the pressure of simultaneous breathing in and out to collage a silhouette of compassion

my eyes surely betray me, 

the sailor, captain and prisioner long have sank like stone are thrown

kicked about in contempt, silent because words cannot reach the deaf 

I do not know what to say,

but it feels less awkward to placate the storm on a page

hammering ins and outs jumping and departing so swiftly

none stop drums, traffic jam and bam I am now dad

fuck.

fighting implies we are enemies

the one I could not defeat;

the jaw vibrates but what I entertain

without a doubt cannot be right

I come from a place of appearences, lovely

to be that guy that screws up

once, twicefold

how much thirst can a plant withstand

unturned, unloved

the commotion now seeded, the engagement now past

sun alone cannot revitalize

the skin will want

what spare parts we could not provide

in due time

as peace unleashes an uglier side of accountability

post-blame games as the serenate unveils charades

in hindsight we are a mixture of lose, lost and lonely souls

adrift, barely

I suppose

we suffer

because we care.

tonight we grieve like adolescents after the first love

since we last spoke,

O'nd behold herald of stores foretold

for I bled, I sidelined sickness and despair

professional intervention flashed between the cranium

touching the lingering questions carefully and suddenly

we saw what we could not see in a simplificy that should not be

levitate bredren, acquaintance and friend alike

bystanders and witnesses in the jorney we do not share friend

for crossroads may be linked but they forbid me from joining you,

it seems the strings of fate twist in bounds I struggle to forgive the narrow

corridors that do not allow for the memories weighting on my thin frame

upon the shoulders lessons we promised to recount once sat, down, together, again:

so explain me father so I may step unto thy gates,

why do you make us mortal men liars. 

in despair we commit to the letdown,

chilled to the bone, woe is me my gospel.

________________________________________________________________________________ 

am I jaded or gastlighted into being on the wrong

a pact that I ignored, contrary to the resolve we lay down in the snow

lost of hearing, lost of feeling

my availability was crushed by the driving force that goes around

stealing security, devouring control

the course of course hidden only in song was foretold,

a lamb amongst the sinners, a parasite granted

but I am not the only one and that brings confort to the sweat beads on the run

trespassers on my lawn, tomb raiders: escavading my concept of desolation

unearthing what I could not conceal further, rebury it deeper you thief,

feral animals need not for crime, pause or curse to bite back at prey

forever slipped away the moment we opened the door

do away with the final masquerade we need not for riddles,

words conjure powers that the senses beacon at, yearning for stars

those mighty pillars of hope out of reach, a timely fashion

to reach out towards, for it?

clutching poison like its a cure

sister in time the screams aflame may echo alright

exchange places, tear down this walls

the closet unbolts, the terror unleashed.

________________________________________________________________________________

I seek not to break or form new, better habits

in this decade as it unfolds it intrigues me less

it taunts me in boredom the tones of cheaper trills

as they curve, they bend as if giving up in friction

a atypical tyranny activity of engraving a visual place between the ears

taking you for a spin until you throw up, sick and dazed

you wake up to chains around your neck, spare us the drama,

I suggest you take stock of the voices in your head before you end up under dirt

for this years and possibly following ones in kind I resolve to spare my knees

and abdicate least my prayers are the drip keeping me on my feet

in the peripheries of my frame I am bursting with hate

gee this infestation won't come back to destroy me

my current fear is what becomes of my core as my nails are polished to the frontier, bloody

can we hold back before we sever the constant of normality

what to do, what to take:

a percentage of

a

bad

thing.