felicidade tem fim (malice is a disgusting disease, insidious and delicious in equal tones of grey)

 craving for words we could not speak

dissipated at the shallow deepth, the margin

fogged amid the lonely island of togetherness long promised

darkness before the light sweet stars as we shut-eye for the night

all we step in makes for a poorer story, a torn bad decision

sister of mine we have come full circle,

know this, what we can control does not lead, often, to paradise

or so I was told and this very words we exchanged, once

now it appears as the white of your eyes travels upwards to the stars

and self-destruction leads you back to a cage you cannot escape

what comes after this does not belong to my hands

for I took no part in the making of the dry well you sank into

and I hear no call for help

I coast in silence, a bad habit to have all in all if truth be told I got little love to lose.

 ________________________________________________________________________________

 the curtains run a mockery

trips, slices and pieces amok

a fool stench resolute and harm

so much pain,

some scars dig too deep to feel

control alt-delete this echo on repeat

a child laughter haunts my nightmares,

what little else have I left to give

justify how to even out the score

for my tongue is shut and pretrified

but my hands adrift flip pages of diaries better left shut

turmoil and silence do not mix, nothing good lasts forever

tell me, is this true?

did I lose the power to feel, I am not surprised or caring

the uncertaintly that a crime was committed

something amiss, a link, a gear in the device

it was another, mention, in passing that agitates my mind

not flesh but touch

not equal but unfinished, unresolved

it was not the wrist that the dagger penetrates but my very heart

a betrayal of sorts, miles away

happy, I hope

so may the scales point because I forgot if I ever said goodbye and it doesn't seem to get any easier

God you dotted the contract now I beg you help me see it through

for my resolve wanders

my prayers heavy despite the sacrifice

the cost too overbearing to let go

of this one thing I remain

better kept unspoken

shown to burn well at both ends

for my very sake.

________________________________________________________________________

if I peek within will I like what I see?

I am okay never figuring it out,

mixing poison in a cup, pinky coasting

atop, sank drinking deep, a tempting offer

one better left well damm alone,

nuts and bolts, ghosts and apparitions

they tag me in, chained to the bed

fermenting with vomit and other spoils of a night wasted

clean up your looks dearest, upwards with your chin son

before I deslocate shoulder from bone, do the math

rip your shirt and aspirations in one great swing 'till all you love is bleeding something awful

then let us see you fit in:

hell yeah I was scared

swallowing slowly to the beat

of the march sinking my core

actions cannot be undone

swimming towards the grave just as me sister

now YOU decide what is it gonna be

this is the end of selfishness 

discard the secrets trapped in the drawer

come clean, see it through and grasp with firm hands

what you really want, whisper it first for I can only imagine the fear you carry

save apologies for mother in due time, for now we still have work to do

a beatiful dream taking shape, one day at the time.

______________________________________________________________________

I want somebody to kill the lonely nights

to hell with sympathy, few inbetween cough breaches off me

a receiver of bad news, a nod and shake

sound advise as long as it doesn't drip my sunday coat

bitch you get what you deserve, don't you know

what goes around comes back around?

love dissipates in the ether of a hallow soul

wrap not your arms around me for a rooting corpse comes undone

under the pressure of simultaneous breathing in and out to collage a silhouette of compassion

my eyes surely betray me, 

the sailor, captain and prisioner long have sank like stone are thrown

kicked about in contempt, silent because words cannot reach the deaf 

I do not know what to say,

but it feels less awkward to placate the storm on a page

hammering ins and outs jumping and departing so swiftly

none stop drums, traffic jam and bam I am now dad

fuck.

fighting implies we are enemies

the one I could not defeat;

the jaw vibrates but what I entertain

without a doubt cannot be right

I come from a place of appearences, lovely

to be that guy that screws up

once, twicefold

how much thirst can a plant withstand

unturned, unloved

the commotion now seeded, the engagement now past

sun alone cannot revitalize

the skin will want

what spare parts we could not provide

in due time

as peace unleashes an uglier side of accountability

post-blame games as the serenate unveils charades

in hindsight we are a mixture of lose, lost and lonely souls

adrift, barely

I suppose

we suffer

because we care.

tonight we grieve like adolescents after the first love

since we last spoke,

O'nd behold herald of stores foretold

for I bled, I sidelined sickness and despair

professional intervention flashed between the cranium

touching the lingering questions carefully and suddenly

we saw what we could not see in a simplificy that should not be

levitate bredren, acquaintance and friend alike

bystanders and witnesses in the jorney we do not share friend

for crossroads may be linked but they forbid me from joining you,

it seems the strings of fate twist in bounds I struggle to forgive the narrow

corridors that do not allow for the memories weighting on my thin frame

upon the shoulders lessons we promised to recount once sat, down, together, again:

so explain me father so I may step unto thy gates,

why do you make us mortal men liars. 

in despair we commit to the letdown,

chilled to the bone, woe is me my gospel.

________________________________________________________________________________ 

am I jaded or gastlighted into being on the wrong

a pact that I ignored, contrary to the resolve we lay down in the snow

lost of hearing, lost of feeling

my availability was crushed by the driving force that goes around

stealing security, devouring control

the course of course hidden only in song was foretold,

a lamb amongst the sinners, a parasite granted

but I am not the only one and that brings confort to the sweat beads on the run

trespassers on my lawn, tomb raiders: escavading my concept of desolation

unearthing what I could not conceal further, rebury it deeper you thief,

feral animals need not for crime, pause or curse to bite back at prey

forever slipped away the moment we opened the door

do away with the final masquerade we need not for riddles,

words conjure powers that the senses beacon at, yearning for stars

those mighty pillars of hope out of reach, a timely fashion

to reach out towards, for it?

clutching poison like its a cure

sister in time the screams aflame may echo alright

exchange places, tear down this walls

the closet unbolts, the terror unleashed.

________________________________________________________________________________

I seek not to break or form new, better habits

in this decade as it unfolds it intrigues me less

it taunts me in boredom the tones of cheaper trills

as they curve, they bend as if giving up in friction

a atypical tyranny activity of engraving a visual place between the ears

taking you for a spin until you throw up, sick and dazed

you wake up to chains around your neck, spare us the drama,

I suggest you take stock of the voices in your head before you end up under dirt

for this years and possibly following ones in kind I resolve to spare my knees

and abdicate least my prayers are the drip keeping me on my feet

in the peripheries of my frame I am bursting with hate

gee this infestation won't come back to destroy me

my current fear is what becomes of my core as my nails are polished to the frontier, bloody

can we hold back before we sever the constant of normality

what to do, what to take:

a percentage of

a

bad

thing.

some pray looking down, some do it looking up. some do not pray at all.

I found a letter adressed to Santa circa mora than 20 years ago

it asked questions to which my reaction blunted the reflection

on the mirror, on the puddle by the curb on which I forged strength to raise and carry on

got once we crawled so we may raise and erect walk in control of our very step

I firmly believe we recreate memories to better suit our needs in our sleep

renegates to the truth, we combat emotional damage with fairytales and happy endings

grey matter highs dissipate words that generate conflict in the sounds of resistance

to extend my hand towards a child and get them on the path,

that's not a lot to ask for Santa for, right?

looking feral and wild young one as the winter bites back

my mood worsens in rooten fashion, I do growl to the darkest dark

dig, scratch and act cold towards the good vibes tempo

be like a fool and lose all control but keep it a secret?

will it happen again? are we ear marked to become token entertainment?

the water chugged by cynical egocentric megalomaniacs and somehow stability

battles boredom as it pushes IQ upwards, morality to the sidewalk and few notice

if I could not change the world or know everything worth knowing

I sure would hope to had a crack and half a swing at doing this thing some call living and growing

up.

doctor what can you prescript, sad songs lately just do not quite hurt the same as if I was no longer welcomed nor invited to the ball and now I feel unsure I can love myself

crawling up my forearm

dragging along the guilt, bitter and daunting

at sight, venomous I am assured by insecurity

confused by the realization I cannot trust to identify what is real

distracted it was so fucking hard by the reflection of what composes the surroundings

lately my phone ringtone is my worse enemy and it did little

paralyzing my actions, controlling my reactions

pursuing to wash away the conflicts flying at a million miles that winter frostbite sensation of expectation meet disgrace

self-control is no longer enough and words might not suffice within the ears a buzz

to placate nor stem the overflow so loud that may follow

father you carved a map towards dignity without warning

that it stood so near and clear in an open rainy day across the dwarf gold

a leap away it sometimes blinds me from what I sought to strive, in full display should humanity triumphy upon thy enemy

a token anyway, do fade away dreamer of a dream as I choke tears

this scars and night terrors crash like wild waves at my core, my centre

chasing happiness like addictions chase highs, we never stood a chance

because we are not equal and that road is a hill on a steep incline friend

we are doomed to fail and I assure you should we suceed we would surely capsize

towards the other way and snowball towards our doom as surely as this tough love education

sows resentment and trapped screaming, there is however still skin to scratch

and doubt to nag at, have at, tryst at

I need not a doctor for my ailments  for

for you must understand it is self-inflicted  for

for my downfall can be prevented with due entrapment  for

bind my hands with handcuffs and leave me prisioner  for my sin is existing

as I struggle to my feet and jump off the ledge towards that rainbow

falling I do not forget is the easy way out, gravity is an ally you see?

I am stroke with curiosity to follow that same rain

downpour, down under

you ever felt the urge to run? well I just have to

I just cannot defy the urgency of today

when it surges and embraces so loud and clear

this is the way it has to be? that shit means nothing to me

you listen here, you do not own me and might as well disappear

blep blop off I go on a hop,

I am much better without and that I can be better still while waiting for a red moon to wish upon.

what remains, it follows.

dear diary, you can use me

draw blood upon the soaked page

let only the iron reside and linger

in the words that ramble and move

like static they dress down the perfect timing

holding my head in case it decides to roll under

the table once again in a feat of mischief

the supply of breadcrumbs is getting shorten

by greedy fucks with eyes on the hanging fruit

youth and boomers idolizing vampires wishing it could be them

not studying upclose the source material unfiltered

shapeless dreams gliding between certainty, diffusing nationalities

in principle we are all connected, a matter of conjecture hold in profund suspense

attaining the possible by peeling the wickness from within

a parting gift, felling the duality of hypocricy with a crunch

developing a better coping mechanism that supports repouse without due sacrifice

we shan't be content with anything short or less than uncomplicated

that would be bizarre. 

perhaps the wheel has turned.

can you trust what occupies the imagination?

bewildering and thumping nations redefined

a running gag of sorts, a mercy for a low blow

bruises that heal deeper than we intent to show

the new heights, walls we have yet to climb

foretold the dates disclosing the tribute

the ritual, routine and clockwork it demanded

we are afraid of war so we draw dilapidations of hope

greater objects overturned by machine manmade

men earned this desolation ringing at the heartstrings.

beginning to recuperate my breath pace

alongated nails whose metrics tempt me

as I grind imperfect teeth rolling on the tongue

kept shut, not much has changed since otherwise

in need for sun rays

what could not stop me left me for dead

December has rapidly become the most hated month

of this advancing calendar we have been forced upon

the aftermath of chance adds to the effect of fractured brokens

wounded prides, afflicted egos and children sat listening out for static