sad today, I guess

there is a knot at odds with my throat

and it prevents me from looking up

the dust is settle and because

yes, because I recall a better place

I have quite frankly have had enough.

I used to look down and feel happy instead:

guiltless, clueless, oblivious to what were to come

every lost a stone thrown

at me whilst hitting both of us

this synch union unveiling, betraying perhaps nothing left

to be careful about, a bad omen reactionary

up the stairs, down the stairs, march

he spun me a tale of 'running without a care'

imagine, 'without a care', and so I travel

to the swing of yesteryear, there where pain does not exist

where a confortable shoulder is a better place to lean my tired decaying body

than the knot.

I do dare then

and look up

a painting from a friend I no longer see, no longer speak

a birthday gift I cherish deeply

the sea I descripted through words

he left painted for me.

suddenly I remember, I feel blessed

for every experience shared, every shoulder felt

and the knot comes loosen, I can now breath, slowly.

I miss and remember every single one of you inequaly and unfairly

waves of emotion mixed with memory capricious and temperamental

linking it dearly to my fading sanity

a blip, an anomaly

for I am the villain in my own personal hell without cause, there I said, I admit it.

do quite detest how bitter I woke up today but the shakes settle,

the hours dive, in. not quite special

nor haunt, nor want.

radiant it was not what I had envisioned. 

the pulse in need of purging.